Christmas Time Is Here

anyone who knows me knows that i love christmas. i LOVE christmas. i fucking love it.

so you better believe i'm gonna blog about it. below you'll find everything you need to make this christmas better than last christmas (or at the very least, better than "last christmas")

alright, let's get down to business. the first thing anyone needs to make the yuletide gay (yeah, i said it) is a collection of sweet tunes. one option for the christmas 2.0 generation is an internet radio station, and for this i'm gonna recommend b101 from philadelphia (thanks for the tip, libby). if u play for keeps, you can pick up a halfway decent christmas collection anywhere or virtually anywhere (internet!) this time of year. there is, however, one disc that rises above the others, if mostly in concept and album art:

home alone christmas. i guess this is a soundtrack of sorts to home alone, my favorite movie ever by far, but it's more of a materialization of everything the culkin christmas stands for. my only qualms (which, i should add are rendered completely irrelevant by the sweet hand painted album art) are the lack of "jingle bell rock," and the inclusion of tlc's unbelievably horrible version of "sleigh ride."

so now your home sounds like christmas but does it smell like christmas? if it smells closer to a combination of 32oz miller high life bottles and open ramen noodle flavor packets, this next one's for you.

santa scents. with six fragrances to choose from, you'll smell more like christmas than a nordstrom's floor manager. the website says that all the fragrances come from "highly concentrated extracts from the aromatic parts of herbs, flowers, trees, grains, spices and powders," which makes me a little curious where the "santa baby" scent comes from... scents also come in 3/4 oz. roll-on form, in case you want to make your private parts smell like mrs. c's cookies for the holidays. enjoy responsibly.

next on the list is santa claus. you cannot have christmas without santa. but how do you know you're getting the right santa? well, let me put your worries at ease, because such a santa has found me- or rather, my coworker sally. she was on a catalog press check in chicago and happened to be staying at a hotel next door to a santa convention. a SANTA CONVENTION. needless to say she received many a business card from an out-of-town santa that weekend, but one especially poorly designed card caught her attention enough to share with me...

...well we can't find the card itself anymore but here's the poorly designed website that recreates the experience as best it can.

as you can see, a real santa knows the real reason for the season: PRAYING. if praying ain't up your alley (and i'm jewish so i feel you there), just check out his credentials and you'll be convinced that it's a compromise you're wiling to bear:

Charter Member: Just Be Claus.Net
Member: Amalgamated Order Of Real Bearded Santas
Member: Santa America
President: Santa Claus & Company
Honors Graduate: Santa Claus University

he is an HONORS GRADUATE of SANTA CLAUS UNIVERSITY. you simply cannot get better than that. so book him for your fishing club's annual holiday gala and never look back. instead, look here: further santa investigation opens up an american subculture trumped only by furries and juggalos in absurdity/creepyness. there's website for the amalgamated order of real bearded santas, which does a decent job of reminding you that, "real bearded gentlemen always make the best santas. especially when they are wearing the appropriate vests."
delving further still, i hit the motherload- the aorbs FORUM. here you can talk about anything related to beards, santas, or bearded santas (it's creepy- there is a section solely dedicated ventriloquism, ok?) word of warning- once you start exploring the forum, you may find it very difficult to return to the normal world.

now, as i leave for the holidays, some of you may be thinking... christmas? but wasn't it just hanukkah? and isn't asher jewish? and why didn't he do a cartoon instead of this post? and what about kwanzaa? for those of you asking these questions, i'm not even going to bother answering them. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

You Know What This Is

well it's december, and if you've ever been to the blogosphere before you know what that means: year end music lists. as much of a music geek as i am, even i am aware that these things are almost always more fun to make than to read, and more fun to argue about than to make, so if you don't enjoy this post, i'm sorry and you don't have to read it next year. lists are in countdown order to give the effect of intensely dramatic suspense. i'm leaving vampire weekend off of the album and song lists because their official album doesn't drop until january 29th (not that it stopped david byrne and grizzly bear from including them) but get that when you can because it's excellent. i should also mention that my two most listened to albums of the year, neko case's fox confessor brings the flood and nikaido kazumi's mata otoshi mashita yo, are not on here because they were released before 2007 and i was behind da times and just discovered them now. enjoy, and feel free to leave arguments in the comments if you feel like it. (note: list is frequently updated because i get bored at work and have no self control.)

top albums of 2007:

50. tenniscoats: tan tan therapy
49. jesca hoop: kismet
48. andre ethier: secondathallam
47. the hives: the black and white album
46. burial: untrue
45. amiina: kurr
44. bon iver: for emma, forever ago
43. art brut: it's a bit complicated
42. the white stripes: icky thump
41. les savy fav: let's stay friends
40. dan deacon: spiderman of the rings
39. justice: †
38. midnight juggernauts: dystopia
37. i'm not there original soundtrack
36. chromatics: night drive
35. st. vincent: marry me
34. spoon: gagagagaga
33. wilco: sky blue sky
32. map of africa: s/t
31. miracle fortress: five roses
30. the veils: nux vomica
29. menomena: friend and foe
28. david vandervelde: the moonstation house band
27. battles: mirrored
26. the new pornographers: challengers
25. blonde redhead: 23
24. paul duncan: above the trees
23. ghostface killah: the big doe rehab
22. black moth super rainbow: dandelion gum
21. dr. dog: we all belong
20. vieux farka toure: s/t
19. daft punk: alive 2007
18. bullion: pet sounds in the key of dee
17. jay-z: american gangster
16. studio: yearbook 1
15. jens lekman: night falls over kortedala
14. radiohead: in rainbows
13. celebration: the modern tribe
12. the national: boxer
11. arthur & yu: in camera
10. lil wayne: da drought 3
9. pharaohe monch: desire
8. feist: the reminder
7. white williams: smoke
6. cass mccombs: dropping the writ
5. dirty projectors: rise above
4. panda bear: person pitch
3. animal collective: strawberry jam
2. lcd soundsystem: sound of silver
1. mia: kala

top songs of 2007:

100. the 1900's: bring the good boys home
99. wu tang clan: the heart gently weeps
98. iron & wine: flightless bird, american mouth
97. mgmt: time to pretend
96. the bees: left foot stepdown
95. hot chip: my piano
94. !!!: must be the moon
93. neil young: the believer
92. the hives: you got it all wrong
91. modest mouse: steam engenious
90. architecture in helsinki: heart it races
89. the acorn: lullabye (mountain)
88. a sunny day in glasgow: 5:15 train
87. kanye west: good life
86. windmill: tokyo moon
85. gui boratto: beautiful life
84. dizzee rascal ft. lily allen: wanna be
83. simian mobile disco: i believe
82. deer tick: art isn't real
81. lucky soul: aint never been cool
80. miracle fortress: this thing about you
79. new buffalo: cheer me up thank you
78. lavender diamond: you broke my heart
77. cloud cult: chemicals collide
76. caribou: melody day
75. akron/family: don't be afraid, you're already dead
74. bjork: innocence
73. yeah yeah yeahs: down boy
72. andre ethier: don't let this mean old world swallow you
71. les savy fav: what would wolves do
70. the draytones: time
69. clap your hands say yeah: mama, won't you...
68. bon iver: skinny love
67. jesca hoop: seed of wonder
66. emily haines: bottom of the world
65. bonde do role: marina gasolina
64. handsome furs: hearts of iron
63. patrick wolf: accident & emergency
62. andrew bird: heretics
61. the arcade fire: my body is a cage
60. joanna newsom: colleen
59. yacht: see a penny (pick it up)
58. midnight juggernauts: roads to recovery
57. the clientele: isn't life strange
56. beirut: nantes
55. basia bulat: i was a daughter
54. map of africa: plastic surgery
53. deerhoof: matchbook seeks maniac
52. amiina: rugla
51. art brut: post soothing out
50. mum: marmalade fires
49. burial: archangel
48. the veils: calliope
47. st. vincent: landmines
46. chromatics: in the city
45. battles: atlas
44. ugk ft. outkast: int'l players anthem
43. spoon: don't you evah
42. black moth super rainbow: sun lips
41. alaska in winter: your red dress
40. studio: west side
39. dan deacon: the crystal cat
38. ghostface killah: we celebrate
37. super furry animals: run-away
36. jay-z: roc boys
35. wilco: impossible germany
34. dr. dog: alaska
33. paul duncan: the lake, pt. 2
32. vieux farka toure: dounia
31. asa irons & swaan miller: abacus
30. arctic monkeys: flourescent adolescent
29. the white stripes: a martyr for my love for you
28. arthur & yu: lion's mouth
27. lil wayne: dough is what i got
26. jens lekman: a postcard to nina
25. justice: dvno
24. the new pornographers: myriad harbour
23. radiohead: reckoner
22. the go! team: grip like a vice
21. blonde redhead: 23
20. david vandervelde: nothin' no
19. celebration: heartbreak
18. lil mama: lip gloss (party time 2000 remix)
17. santogold: shove it (kmf remix)
16. mark vida: homily
15. the national: fake empire
14. tenniscoats: oetsu to kanki no nanoriuta
13. pharaohe monch: desire
12. feist: i feel it all
11. yeasayer: 2080
10. menomena: muslce n' flo
9. cass mccombs: windfall
8. white williams: violator
7. panda bear: bros
6. dirty projectors: rise above
5. air france: beach party
4. animal collective: peacebone
3. lcd soundsystem: someone great
2. kid sister: pro nails
1. mia: paper planes (diplo street remix)

top eps of 2007:

10. beirut: lon gisland
9. joanna newsom: ys street band
8. junior boys: dead horse
7. sigur ros: heim/hvart
6. emily haines: what is free to a good home
5. grizzly bear: friend
4. vampire weekend: ep
3. kid sister: control/pro nails
2. santogold: i believe in santogold
1. air france: on trade winds

top shows of 2007:

10. the walkmen at avalon
9. menomena at the south street seaport
8. girl talk at studio b
7. animal collective at webster hall
6. mia at terminal 5
5. neko case at central park summerstage
4. vampire weekend at the music hall of williamsburg
3. dirty projectors at death by audio
2. kid sister at studio b
1. daft punk at keyspan park

Made For These Times

hey i was going to write about something else today but i just discovered this on gorillavsbear and it was too good not to share. a british producer/dj named bullion has created an incredible work entitled "pet sounds in the key of dee." you clever ones may have already put together that this is a mash up of sorts (though once you hear it you'll agree that mash up is not an adequate description) of the beach boys' seminal album and pieces of late beatsmith j dilla/jay dee's entire body of work. the result is something pretty spectacular- not in competition with pet sounds or j dilla themselves but certainly greater than the sum of its parts. is it the new grey album? not really... it's not as tied to the original songs as danger mouse's work was to jay-z's, or as accessible, but artistically it's leaps and bounds above. if you are into the beach boys or j dilla or beats or interesting things, i cannot recommend this highly enough. alright i am going on and on when you should just hear the damn thing for yourself. this is my favorite track so far, but choosing one to rip out of the whole was not easy.



and by the way, THE WHOLE ALBUM IS FREE TO DOWNLOAD ON BULLION'S MYSPACE.
download that shit right away and make your day better than it was.

Videos All Over The Place

yoyoyoyo, firstly, thanks to the channel 4 evening news, who showed my cartoon on the news for like 10 ridiculous seconds last week in a feature about internet productivity (or lack thereof) related to that lifehacker article. i cant get the video to embed on the blog so you'll have to watch it there if you care enough. who knew the channel 4 evening news even had a website, i assume they made it just so people could upload photos of their dogs in halloween costumes.

in other news, my boys vampire weekend just released their first music video, for the "mansard roof" single. congrats guys, i think it's great. just some dudes yachting on a saturday off the coast of new jersey, ain't nobody got a problem with that. also my cousin ezra is sporting some sweet shades that he may or may not have picked up during the motown portion of my bar mitzvah party ten and a half years ago. enjoy.

War Dance

Hey people, sorry for being slow on the updates, but I got something a bit serious that means a lot to me and I want to share with you... I need you to see this movie, WAR DANCE, made by my family and friends. It is an amazing documentary about children living in Uganda. It's beautifully shot and really moving and involves a pretty excellent country-wide children's music competition. IT OPENS IN NYC AND LA THIS FRIDAY (NOV 9). THE OPENING WEEKEND IS CRITICAL TO THE SUCCESS OF THIS FILM, PLEASE PLEASE TRY TO SEE IT THIS WEEKEND. It's been making all kinds of oscar buzz-worthy news already:

18 film festival awards (check out all those golden leaf parentheses!) including the Directing Award at Sundance

“Heart-rending.”
-Manohla Dargis, The New York Times

“Striking. A hopeful message.”
-Anthony Breznican, USA Today

“Very moving.”
-Kenneth Turan, Los Angeles Times

See the trailer and get more information at www.wardancethemovie.com

TO MY NEW YORK CHILDREN:
OPENING THIS FRIDAY, NOV.9 AT THE ANGELIKA AND LINCOLN PLAZA CINEMA

TO MY LOS ANGELES CHILDREN:
OPENING THIS FRIDAY, NOV.9 AT THE ROYAL THEATER

Again, please try to see the film this weekend. I and a lot of people I care about have been involved with it since the beginning, and it would mean a lot to me if you supported it. If you need more info let me know. I'm going Saturday night (probly to the Angelika) if you want to go on a date or whatever. And thanks a lot.

TO MY CHILDREN ELSEWHERE:
Future “War/Dance” Theatrical Run Release Dates

16-Nov —Pasadena—Playhouse 7

16-Nov —Washington—E Street Cinema

30-Nov —Boston—Kendall Square Cinema

30-Nov—Seattle—Varsity Theater

30-Nov—Philadelphia—Ritz Theater

14-Dec—San Francisco—Lumiere 3 Theater

14-Dec—Berkeley—Shattuck 10

14-Dec—Minneapolis—Lagoon

Boys Becoming Men, Men Becoming Wolves

happy halloween everyone. yes, i forgot to write this yesterday... well actually i ate nothing but candy and doritos all day and had too much sugar in my system to keep my fingers steady on a keyboard. in the belated holiday spirit, however, here's the ghettotastic music video for "werewolf bar mitzvah," a joke from 30 Rock entirely conscious of the fact that it is being taken way too far. anyway, it's tracey morgan and a halloween jewish rap, so you can't really complain.



so how did you celebrate the pagan harvest of evil? as for me, i dressed as jared from kid nation, to which my boss replied, "you look like a slightly retarded 10-year-old," so i'd say it was a success. i watched the parade from a weird party in an office furniture showroom, and got there after they ran out of beer and pizza, so...yeah. the parade was ok, i thought it would be crazier and more impressive, but i did enjoy the 50-person thriller dance complete with a moonwalk duel between michael jackson and his evil twin.

When You Hear That

in case you haven't heard the news, oink, your likely source for unreleased free music on the internet (whether you realize it or not) ended this morning in a very dramatic raid in amsterdam which may or may not have included the following: monster trucks, assault rifles, speedboat chases, night vision, scuba gear, nicholas cage, large animals, ninja robots, topless dancers, radiohead, and nazi mutants. if you don't know what oink is, you have nothing to worry about. if you had an oink account, well fingers crossed you will not end up in a mexican prison begging for seventy five cents so you can get a bottle of sprite for the week. and if you like free music that gets released early, shits gonna suck from now on. this calls for an emoticon... :(